gavD: Wrestles with Life

Creative Zen m300: ID3 tag reading inconsistencies - SOLUTION

2011-10-25T12:11:00.000-07:00

I offered to help a friend tag some of his (legitimately owned) MP3 files. It worked perfectly! Except, when I dropped it on his Zen m300, it all came up as "Unknown Artist"/"Unknown Album". Rubbish! Oddly, some pre-existing files on the device were correctly recognised, and some were not, leaving me scratching my head.

After many (MANY) hours of tinkering, I went down to just two files. The working ones were ID3v2.3 tagged, whereas the non-working ones were ID3v2.4. I tried a few different pieces of software but in the end forced it to work with MP3tag (http://www.mp3tag.de/en/) - go tools, options, tags, mpeg and select ID3v2 ID3v2.3 ISO-8859-1 in the "Write" section of Tags>Mpeg.

Your mileage may vary but this fixed it for me!

What's the answer to the riots?

2011-08-12T15:39:00.000-07:00

The London riots have been truly appalling. I am not surprised that people are calling for changes and even suggesting that rioters should lose their benefits... I don't believe these things are the answer, however. I don't see any political/social/legal quick wins. Offenders should stand trial, but I don't think bringing in special measures is appropriate. We had only a very small percentage of people rioting, and then a lot of folks seem to want a police state as a result! This is dangerous, because it gives even more power to those at the top who have been instrumental in steering society to the place it is in.

Looking at society, we have corruption in business and government; we have poverty that is the result of people's greed. There is much we can do to stand up to this kind of thing and try to fix the systems, but ultimately the problem is human nature - we're all capable of being selfish, grasping, hateful, spiteful, full of self righteous self justification. I don't believe that we can point at anyone and say "they're the bad guys"; I believe we're all responsible.

I believe the answer isn't political or legal recourse, it's Jesus. I believe he changes our hearts, turns us around from selfishness and puts us on a rescue mission to love this world. I've seen lives changed, people going from being riddled with bitterness to being full of joy, gentleness, humility and generosity. I'm not talking about some mandatory thing or empty religion but genuine encounter with the son of God, who came in humility and stood up to the corrupt leaders of the time. He said his kingdom is not of this world, it's not about it becoming part of the state, it's about one-by-one people's motivations being changed. Jesus said he knows how deceitful human nature is, and I believe he is the only doctor for it.

It's a hard path though, it means laying down selfishness and "me me me" forever to follow Jesus, but I believe that if people truly do, then they start to bring real change to the world - this Kingdom of God Jesus spoke about is a here-and-now thing, and a forever thing. So that's how I want things to be fixed. I can't and wouldn't ever force that on anyone. I hope that many people who are feeling disenfranchised, the oppressors and the oppressed, allow themselves to be changed by the King, who prizes humility, gentleness, courage, strength, truth and above all love.

"Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good." - Romans 12:21

Is this a pipe dream? Could we really have so many people transformed by meeting Jesus that our society takes a more positive direction? Could our leaders and captains of industry abandon greed as a principle in favour of love? I believe so. Some call it "revival".

I'm not perfect, I've still got massive wrongdoing in my life, but as for me, I'll keep trying to follow Jesus, try to do what is right, try to see through the murk of politics and society to show what love, justice and mercy I can. God has promised His strength (Phil 4:13) so that we can overcome the poison in ourselves, and thereby overcome the poison in the world.

Singleness and marriage

2011-06-07T14:45:00.000-07:00

I recently came across a video where John Piper, Don Carson and Tim Keller discuss marriage. It really spoke to me and corresponded with many of my own views on the subject.

I love the Dietrich Bonhoeffer quote: "It is not your love that sustains the marriage, but from now on, the marriage that sustains your love." As in, once you are committed to somebody, you are committed to love whoever they become, as we all change over time. Of course, both partners in the marriage have to have that level of commitment, but then again, that's pretty much what the marriage vows express. Feelings fluctuate, it's true, but the covenant (promise, agreement) that two people must be worked through daily.

This is, of course, incredibly challenging; I'd hope I'd never judge anybody for getting divorced or having problems. After all, I've been single now for a full year after my relationship with my girlfriend came to an end, which I think is what got me thinking on this topic.

I believe that in the same way as God put heaven in the human heart (as King Solomon put it, and I take that to mean desire for Him and a sense that we are meant to be eternal), so He put in the desire for the companionship of a counterpart. My mind fights this:

"Gav, you wouldn't be able to play in bands any more"
"Gav, you couldn't see your mates so much"
"Gav, you'd have no time to write games"

and so on and so forth, trying to rationalise what is essentially a particular sliver of loneliness that friendship, faith and family cannot quite address.

The Bible talks about singleness and marriage both as gifts. I understand that singleness presents its own challenges. I hear that the theologian John Stott came to accept it over time; it gave him lots of time for the great work of his life, and I am indeed desperate for my life to count for good in this world. On the other hand, that inbuilt desire for a partner is something I can't deny. if I were ever to find somebody, then the kind of lady I'd want would need to sound a little like this:

"A woman's heart should be so hidden in Christ
that a man should have to seek Him first to find her." Maya Angelou

Because, for all my sin, failure, damage and the mess in my head, it's Jesus I wish to seek and serve above all so I would need to be with someone of the same mind. It's hard to explain; I could give "chapter and verse" on this and quote scripture, but for now I'll just say that a relationship with somebody who is not on the same page in that regard simply cannot work.

So, if I am to remain single, I choose, with my free will, to see it as a gift and thank God for the opportunities it presents, and He will help me to deal with that form of loneliness.

And, if I do meet somebody, somebody wonderful who loves Jesus more than she could ever love me and who is willing to partner with me to face this world together, then I will thank God for her and ask Him to help us to be stronger together than we could apart.

Win/Win. Either way, God loves me, He has good plans for me, and He can use me to make this world a better place. I put my trust in Him, and I am at peace about this - even though it's not going to be easy, either way!

Firestarting: 2011 Welsh Revival?

2011-01-23T17:29:00.000-08:00

If you've spoken to me or read my facebook or twitter you've probably heard about what's been going on at Cardiff City Temple. I figured I'd blog about it. Where to begin!?

Well, a "revival" or "outpouring" appears to be going on. Very roughly defined, "Revival" is a phrase used in Christian circles to mean basically people rediscovering their love and passion for Jesus. An "outpouring" is essentially a pouring out of God's Holy Spirit. The folks at City Temple and Run With Fire ministries aren't labelling what's going on too much - when God moves, you basically have to go with it, and He's in the habit of doing new things, and doing things differently! For example, He's yet to produce two people who are quite the same!

So whatever you want to call this thing, it has taken the format of extended evening meetings (like 7 hours or so - hence I look a bit tired!), night after night, where we have "pressed in" to God - done all we can to get close to Him through prayer, worship, teaching and ministry. It's been intense, I can say that unreservedly! People have been crying, laughing, praying in tongues, falling down on the floor, worshipping, quietly listening - a very wide range of responses. So why have they been behaving in this manner?

Because here it comes: you see, this Christian thing that I profess - it's REAL, and I know this because I've encountered God. At these meetings (and others), I've encountered God in a variety of ways. I've had people pray for me and felt something of a warm touch of God, and I came away more passionate and determined to grow close to the Father. Some of the strongest encounters, however, have been through worship, during which on a couple of occasions I've sensed perhaps a tiny glimpse of God's power and love. See elsewhere on my blog for more of this kind of stuff.

So where does this come from? Well, the Biblical book of Acts records the Holy Spirit filling and empowering Jesus' followers after Jesus had returned to Heaven. It is the Spirit who is God who dwells in God's adopted children. It is the Spirit who gives gifts, develops character, and can lead Christians into God's plan for their lives. It is by the Spirit that we encounter God and are adopted into His family. It is living by the Spirit that frees people to be who they were created to be. And this is where Christianity has to be: in the Spirit (the New Testament makes this very clear). Without the Spirit, it's just a religion, and empty religion is of no real use to anybody. Wondrously, almighty, eternal God continues to interact with normal, imperfect people! The Bible warns us not to quench the Spirit by going with our plans rather than God's, or to grieve the Spirit by our deliberate wrong actions - the Spirit is God in us, the power of Heaven, on Earth!

At these meetings, people have had amazing encounters, been delivered from all sorts of physical, mental and emotional issues, and most importantly have turned their hearts to God.

And that's what I've come away with, really. It's not hype - I know manipulation when I see it and this is sincere (they often don't take the offerings until most people have gone!). It's not just adrenaline: some of the meetings, I've felt flat, but I've pressed in anyway, and still come away flat, but it's not just about emotions, sensations or experience chasing. Encounter is important, however: at one meeting, I was called forward for prayer but didn't make it to be prayed for because I felt God's presence so strongly my legs just gently decided not to support me (I could have probably fought this but I tend to try to go with it if God's doing something!) and I lay there with the rest of the service going on around me as God gently upgraded my heart.

For me, revival is about committing my life to God's purposes (which are basically the most awesome possible use for my time on this earth and my path to fulfilment). My issues, struggles, doubts, fears, insecurities and sin - the baggage I carry - undoubtedly hold me back, but what drives me forwards is the touch of God, those encounters with a loving, patient, kind and perfect Father. That baggage is gradually being cast off as God gets more of a hold of His haphazard, overthinking, neurotic, yet beloved Gavin!

Yes, there have been times where everyone else seems to be "getting it" and I'm not - sometimes people are clearly experiencing God whilst I'm feeling flat. Yes, it's really tough - the preaching has been about tough subjects, including hell, the dangers of becoming complacent, the seriousness of sin, and blase Christians just coasting along with no real connection to God. It's clear from Roy and Melanie's impassioned preaching that even the most outwardly radical of us are prone to religious tendencies - being anti-religious can almost become a religion in itself! The true challenge is to live a life that is a full stack of love, completely surrendered to God (because that's what it takes). I've had to look at my motivations, my heart, my intentions, and give it all back to God and say "I'm a man of mixed motives, I can't change myself, but You can - please make me into the man you want me to be" and He has responded with incredible grace, patience and love. I've come away more hungry for God than ever before, truly desperate to live out a real life of humility, love, service and above all closeness with God.

If you want to find out what this Jesus is all about, I'd strongly suggest you come along on Thursday 27th Jan or Friday 28th Jan at 7.30. It's the challenge of your life, but knowing God's love is the greatest thing possible! Jesus loved you enough to leave Heaven, come to Earth, and die violently for you, and loves enough to save you today and give you an amazing adventure of an eternal life!

I don't have all the answers but I'm always happy to chat with people about faith anytime!

The cost of tax evasion, and what we can do (Proverbs 31:9)

2010-12-06T04:02:00.001-08:00

I read a horrifying statistic from @38_degrees this morning: in the UK, £120bn is lost to tax cheats every year. That's 15 times more than benefit cheats cost us! As the government tries to pursue benefit fraudsters, but are seemingly reluctant to hear about tax evasion, it turns my stomach as Vodafone dodged a £6bn tax bill and there are rumours that Kraft will take Cadbury's production abroad for tax evasion reasons.

Worse still, this is a global problem. Christian Aid estimate that Tax evasion costs the lives of 1,000 children a day because big business in those countries weasel their way out of tax, so public services, charities, healthcare and soforth do not get adequate funding. It's effectively slavery.

I volunteer at a charity (Cardiff Foodbank) and regularly speak to people in vulnerable positions. Several of them have told me how much harder it's become to get help recently. With this disparity between rich and poor in mind, I've signed some online petitions to encourage the government to investigate tax dodging. This campaign, for example, seeks to raise the profile of this issue and hold MPs to account.

I believe, though, before pointing the finger at others we must first look at ourselves. I suppose I'm "rich" on a global scale and I've been guilty of this myself in the distant past. First time I did my tax return, I got an accountant to claim for everything I could. I would buy musical equipment for cash to avoid VAT. These days, I refuse to pay cash in hand and complete my tax return without trying to claim for my domestic electricity or whatever. I'm not saying I'm awesome or whatever, rather that if I hadn't changed my ways, I'd have no right to call for the very rich and powerful to be held to account ('cos I'd have a log in my eye and Jesus would put it). I don't resent paying tax - I look at the Scandinavian countries who have very high levels of income tax but excellent public services. (I DO resent some of what our tax money is spent on but there are channels for me to express that, such as writetothem.com, which allows to us easily contact our parliamentary representatives.)

I cannot bear to think of people being kept in poverty by our hideous greed. I would encourage you, therefore, to make your voice heard.

Proverbs 31:9 "Speak up and judge fairly; defend the rights of the poor and needy."

Fresh, the Movie - Sustainability and Inspiration

2010-11-23T14:25:00.000-08:00

"A righteous man regards the life of his animal, but the tender mercies of the wicked are cruel" - Proverbs 12:10

I just got back from watching Fresh the Movie at Gwdihw in Cardiff organised by Cardiff Transition Towns and really wanted to share my impressions because it got me really excited!

The film follows several farmers, some "conventional" heavily-industrialised farmers, and some using methods that we'd call "organic". There's arguably a better word for the latter though, and it's "sustainable". Read on before reacting!

The film started with what we now consider a "conventional" farm, filming various aspects - including basically buckets of live chicks being emptied onto the floor, until a warehouse was a seething mass of yellow. I'm not particularly squeamish about animals generally, but this seemed a bit harsh. The documentary went on to show cattle hemmed in, walking around tracks on chains. It went into how cows are actually fed meat of their sick or weak kinsmen, and how these monocultures weaken an environment, make it vulnerable to disease - essentially, at the risk of sounding like a hippy, it's not how the world should be.

And at this point I wish I'd taken notes because I'm kinda dumping from memory here!

The focus then shifts to one of the farmers who had farmed his land for over 50 years without using industrial farming techniques - no chemical fertilisers, animals free in the fields. I got a lovely kinda vibe off this guy, the way he talked about being a "steward of the land". I really do believe that we have a responsibility to the Earth that God entrusted us with. He had a twinkle in his eye as he talked about the chickens working alongside him as they followed the cow migrations and picked nutrients out of the cowpats, but what he said was essentially true. I was unsurprised but more than a little touched when the documentary showed him and his family gathered around a table to pray and then eat some of the fresh food - the sense of community and Godliness was beautiful.

The focus then returned to the industrialised farming, with some talking heads discussing how the mechanised farms are working like manufacturing, leading to disease, poor quality food and more problems. It also drives farmers out of their land. There are other problems, as the subsidies seem to tie farmers into the "conventional" way of doing things.

The documentary doesn't really judge anybody; the industrialised farmers seem a bit uncomfortable but it's very clear that they are in a kind of "wage slave" position themselves, having to sell to the only buyer in the game in what is effectively a monopoly.

What is conventional now (heavily mechanised factory farming) certainly wasn't 50 years ago. One may think "well, at least factory farming provides for the poor", and yes we do have very cheap food, but we waste an ENORMOUS amount to do so, we make our food chain vulnerable, we have wage slaves in the factories, the animal welfare is abysmal, and the food quality is poor. Basically what we do is create a MASSIVE surplus because we're used to buying whatever we want whenever we want it.

So what can we do? Well, the urban farmer featured was a real character, showing the rich soil, the ingenious farming systems, and the wonderful looking food he produced. It's all about local, seasonal food. Supporting your local farmers market can actually be a good way of getting loads of food for a decent price. It's something I intend to do more of - this film has really driven it home for me - it's nothing I didn't already know, but it was beautifully expressed.

I don't feel like I've done a very good job putting across the importance of this film. It filled me with wonder at the beauty of God's creation, disgust at how we abuse it, and above all HOPE in what we can do to make sure EVERYONE has enough to eat.

I am a Christian, and I am NOT better than you

2010-09-16T13:52:00.000-07:00

The Papal visit has stirred up a lot of emotion. Many people object to much that the Pope stands for. The guys were talking about it today and I spotted a few people putting "I'm an atheist, and I'm a good person on Twitter" and read into those tweets that those people had felt they had been looked down upon in some way. I'm not Roman Catholic myself, but I am a Christian, and I just wanted to share my feelings on the matter. It breaks my heart sometimes how we as His representatives portray Jesus to people.

I am a pretty poor example of a Christian, I'll be the first to admit, but for me, encountering Jesus Christ radically changes me inside, I cannot encounter Him and remain quite the same. Reading about Him, and spotting Him in prayer, conversation, meditation and full on "religious experience" all continue to fundamentally shape who I am.

Each of these encounters has humbled me. I'm not saying I'm a wonderfully humble person, but through these experiences I have realised my own weaknesses in such a way that makes me think twice about pointing the finger at others. Jesus' teachings illustrate very clearly and beautifully the attitudes I have that are judgemental, hateful, spiteful and so on - I guess you could say He corrects me. How therefore, could I condemn someone else, when Jesus has treated me so patiently and kindly? He has built me up, given me hope and a future where I was a total mess on the inside. (If you'd like to know more, please read the rest of this blog or drop me a line!)

Maybe you're reading this and I or other Christians have seemed to talk down to you. I'm truly sorry for this. We're excited about Jesus and we want you to get to know Him, but we should never think we're "better" than anybody else. The fact that we Christians are imperfect is the very reason we need Jesus!

That said, the Church does have a responsibility to uphold morality, and be a "light on a hill", a good example. Facing outwards, we have a responsibility to come out and protest against injustice: the Church leads campaigns against poverty and corruption (e.g. Christian Aid) and many other wonderful causes. The Church should never act in a hateful way, but acting always, always, always in love and compassion. There is also stuff in the New Testament about church discipline - internal to the church, sorting out disputes and moral issues.

There are some greyish areas I feel. I don't know where I stand with abortion for example; it's something that's not clear cut enough for me with so many edge cases. For others, it seems like a clearer cut issue. I know these are really hard issues and they create a lot of controversy. I'm sorry to sit on the fence!

I guess what I'd like to say is don't throw the baby out with the bath water - the church of Jesus Christ is a massive, massive thing, with many denominations, styles of worship, and attitudes, and anything involving human beings is flawed. I truly believe, however, that when someone really meets Jesus, He puts something in that person's heart making them want to live a lifestyle of love, sacrifice and compassion.

And finally, I'm so sorry if I've hurt you, or somehow made a bad impression of Christians. My theology probably isn't perfect, this is just what I'm thinking and feeling right now.

Flash CS5 bug "Flash can not parse this document" solution

2010-07-16T13:40:00.000-07:00

This bug is caused by empty layers, which due to a bug in Flash causes the file not to be openable by CS5.

Fear not! It can be fixed!

rename the .fla to .zip. Unpack the zip. Open it in an editor that can search multiple files and search for <frames/>, an empty frames node. Then, for every instance you find, delete the DOMLayer node that contains the empty frames node.

Then, you can open the .xfl file in the root, and save as a new .fla

Phew!

Credit for this solution goes to http://blog.jasperstocker.com/ but on that blog the node didn't get rendered in chrome so I thought it worth restating.

I'm really impressed that the .fla format is not actually a binary - I had no idea! An excellent move by Adobe. Still, this bug is a large oversight that should have been picked up before CS5 went to market.

Choices: the power to make a difference

2010-05-30T14:00:00.000-07:00

Our choices - they're powerful things, more so than we think.

Lately, things have been tough, I've made a lot of mistakes, been a bit of a git to people, and some of my old fears and doubts had risen their ugly heads, the "am I a REAL Christian?" kind of thoughts. I'm looking to really step out and make a positive difference in the world, so maybe I've been undergoing what we Christian types refer to as "attack of the enemy"; the Bible describes the devil as like a "hungry lion" looking to devour with lies, deception, temptation and other nefarious weapons, to cut people down and tell them they're worthless.

Although I enjoyed church this morning, really felt fresh coming out, by the evening was pretty down again. I went along to X:alt (I think that's how it's spelled; someone at Woody Baptist must like namespacing!), feeling desperate to hear from God. Mostly, if I'm honest, to take away the fear and confusion, but also, more honourably, to get equipped to live a good live and also just to spend some time with Him. The Bible says "better is one day in the house of the Lord than thousands elsewhere", and this has been my experience too - those short moments of His presence I've experienced in this world eclipse all else.

Anyway, it was a lovely, unconventional, free-form evening, as far from a service as you could get. Unfortunately, the fist in my chest of fears, doubts, anxiety, self-obsession and general nastiness was sitting like a toad in a stone, and no matter how I tried I couldn't shake it.

Thankfully, towards the end of the services, help was at hand.

A young man called Justin came over and asked if I'd like prayer, and I eagerly consented, before spilling out a potted history of my life and issues. He prayed for me, and I had the most incredible experience. Justin said he'd received a picture (we believe that sometimes God puts people visions or images on people's minds). He described me as a mountaineer, carrying a heavy burden, and how I'd been climbing the mountain of faith, but kept slipping or getting knocked down, but crucially, I'd been GETTING BACK UP, and that God was proud of me, and that I WOULD reach the summit.

I've never even dared hope that God could feel proud of someone like me. I know He loves me, but I find it easier to picture Him as listing my wrongs, which I know is a twisted image on my part, but knowing isn't always quite knowing deep down it seems! Being told that just unlocked something in me.

And the tears came. And I shook. As Justin and Chris (one of the elders) carried on praying for me, I sweated, my body felt like it was fizzing, I was shaking a little - it is hard to describe. I shouted out in tongues (the gift of tongues is a direct prayer language from a person's soul to God; it is not usually something you understand as you say it), and cried out praise. At that moment, I experienced God's love, His hope for my life, and a glimpse of purpose, fulfilment and truth.

If you're reading this as someone who knows me in passing, some of this probably comes as a surprise; I'm not a great example of a Christian what with my propensity towards swears, beer, making off-colour jokes, and the fact that I basically get punched in the face for fun ;-). I'm not the finished article though - tonight made one thing abundantly clear - God has not finished with me yet! Clearly, I mustn't give up on myself and must not let myself be discouraged!

If you're reading this and are a Christian who is or has been or will be struggling (which covers all of us at some time or another!), be encouraged. If you have a heart to seek God, you WILL find Him. This is no flippant statement; I've been through years of dry desert times, had times of wandering of the right track, had fears that nearly consumed me, harboured doubts that rocked me, but through it all, He has been faithful, and I'm still trying to draw closer to Him.

Funny how Justin's willingness to respond to the spiritual prompting to approach a guy he didn't know had such a powerful result. Through his courage, God has changed my life for the better. If he hadn't stepped out, I might have returned home a much less hopeful person!

Words of knowledge, words of light

2010-04-25T14:16:00.000-07:00

A rather interesting day - in church this morning, I was working the sound desk, first time I've ever mixed a full band. Incredibly nerve wracking, particularly as two more experienced guys were shadowing me, resulting in slightly shaky hands on my part!

The preaching was on healing, and we had what Christians refer to as a "word of knowledge", in this instance a prediction that someone with a duff knee who had undergone unsuccessful surgery would seek healing. This was given to the preacher before he preached. It turned out to be absolutely correct, and incidentally the guy was the bass player in the worship band, so I pegged it up to the stage and filled in on 4 strings as he went for prayer. Life, and God in particular, keeps surprising me! The dude in question went for a run around the block afterwards and said that his knee was holding good form for the first time in ages.

Anyway, this was categorically no Derren Brown trickery; there's no reason for these guys to pull that kind of stuff. Sometimes, God just does stuff we can't explain, and He chooses in His gracious kindness to do it through regular people.

barefoot running

2010-04-17T16:08:00.000-07:00

Just ran the last 800m or so barefoot on the way home to see if the hype is true. Here are my findings:

* YES, it helps you find good posture. I got absolutely no lower back pain AT ALL running barefoot, whereas in shoes my back always hurts at least slightly.
* YES, it feels good.
* NO, you can't open your hips up and run really fast
* OH NOES you are VERY vulnerable to broken glass etc so can't look any more than a few metres ahead.
* OH NOES I'm not biometrically perfect and my tendons aren't totally straight so I can't do it often
* People would almost certainly rip the piss out of you most hurtfulsome
* People ripping the piss out of you would be really hurtful
* I probably couldn't deal with that, it's not worth the abuse

So in conclusion, for endurance running, running shoes are bull$hit, might as well not bother, except people are mean, and you look lame without shoes, so shell out £100 pointless pounds like I did for no real benefit.

Electric cars: solution or problem?

2010-01-07T04:28:00.000-08:00

Long time, no blog! Been busy buying and moving into my house, but I'm settled (ish!) now.

I was talking to my brother over Christmas about environmental issues and it got me thinking about electric cars and personal transport. I thought I'd use this lunchtime to do some research.

A quarter of the emissions produced in the UK are from transport (131 MtCO2). 58% of total transport emissions coming from passenger cars alone. (source). So, almost 15% of UK emissions come from cars.

Electric cars are, in and of themselves, completely clean: zero emissions, just a battery pack. We need to look at the bigger picture, though: how much power do they use, and is it cleaner overall? Where is the power coming from? How will it effect how people use cars?

My brother's point was that, if we don't produce power here, we'll just but it in from elsewhere, weakening the UK. I think he's probably right, but I would contest that a greater investment in renewable energy is the way forward, rather than coal fired plants.

My brother also suggested that producing electricity is as dirty as an internal combustion energy. This article (source) indicates that the amount of pollutants generated by fossil fuels to produce this electricity may actually be roughly equivalent to the emissions of a personal vehicle. I'm a bit skeptical about this: I can't help thinking that few large engines to produce power are better than everyone having their own combusion engine; at least ground level city pollution would be greatly reduced. It is clear, though, that an electric car is not truly zero emission.

This brings me on to wondering whether renewable sources (wind, solar, tidal, hydroelectric) can contribute further. I'd heard word-of-mouth that wind power was not that efficient, but then I found a source which debunks many of the myths about wind farms. Significantly, a wind farm "will pay back the energy used in its manufacture within 3-5 months of operation. This compares favourably with coal or nuclear power stations, which take about six months." The site is well referenced with strong evidence of research from reputable sources so I'm inclined to believe it. I think people are much too quick to dismiss such methods.

On to the knock on effects. To myself, a life long non-driver for mainly ethical reasons, buying an electric cars makes sense, but apparently the manufacture of a car is it's greatest damage (I find this difficult to believe, and haven't seen any stats to support this) so switching from a working car is probably environmentally unsound in the short term. The most distressing possibility, though, is that building efficient vehicles may well actually cause harm. This article makes the point that increased efficiency leads to increased consumption.

I applaud the effors of anyone trying to make lower emission vehicles, but I'll stick with my bike for the time being.

Just don't know what to do with m'delf

2009-04-09T14:01:00.001-07:00

So now what?

Who was I, before I was this entity that continuously worked, ever harder, ever more focused on the task to the exclusion of even the most basic ingredients of life gumbo? Before I began to erase elements of my life to make room for the all consuming Goal...

I'm scarcely sure.

You see, for last 30 or so days my nose has been to the grindstone, clouding my eyes with its grey, gristly spatter. I've put on weight from eating what I could when I could and pouring "energy drinks" down my malnourished, wizened caffeine-hole. My once-athletic body feels sickeningly sluggish and cumbersome. My bedraggled hair scrapes Jack Frost patterns on my sleep deprived eyes.

I've argued a lot with my lady, had panic attacks and only 3 or 4 good nights of sleep in a month. I've felt stupid, infantile, ill-prepared, hunted and scared. Waking at 3am with a head full of Java and aching, dry eyes is disconcerting.

BUT!! We delivered, we supplied total coverage as the Good Doctor might have put it. Through the minification of the self, cutting down to the lean meat, we were able to ACHIEVE THE GOAL.

I've done this level of work at three points in my life since leaving University.

A person can't keep it up for long. You'd die.

Sometimes, a challenge is set and I have a choice to make - to give it everything, and embrace either success or glorious failure, or to let the opportunity pass me by, and never know. This time, right or wrong, I chose to try. This time, I succeeded. Even if I hadn't, I'd know that I gave it my all. Unlike CapitulationBot, who is surely the worst robot ever.

I somehow fitted in coding apretty sweet game, AtakAChik, in the maelstrom

New game - Atak A Chik

2009-04-06T09:01:00.001-07:00

Hello

Would you like to help to cheer up a giant? If so, Jonathan, Richard and I have made a game that you might like, it is rather jolly:

AtakAChik

Thanks,
- Gavin

Ridicularity: scientific study

2009-03-15T13:53:00.000-07:00

Having observed a steady rise in ridiculousness in our society, we have been conducting a study into the nature of ridicularity. Associated symptoms such as clown rage, scamping and even mumblage are clearly increasing. This is perhaps a more pressing issue than global warming.

Before drawing any conclusions, it was incumbent upon this study to ascertaing a viable metric for the quantification of ridiculousness.

In studying the minds of people living with ridicularity (commonly referred to as "the ridiculous"), we discovered something incredible; there is actually a party known as the ridiculon that each person has. Ridiculons can be released by stress, anxiety, pressure, fear, happiness - in fact, the emotional trigger differs from sufferer to sufferer.

A ridiculon in isolation has little effect, but a concentration of ridiculons can exceed an individuals tolerance. Certain individuals have a high tolerance, notably Steven Gerrard is more or less immune to ridicularity. Other individuals are more likely to succumb and be affected by ridicularity.

So what hope is there for sufferers? Well, the primary technique is to avoid trigger conditions. If anxiety is your trigger, learn relaxation techniques.

In future, however, a more long term solution is desirable. We have found that the polarity of ridicularity can be reversed under certain circumstances. This is difficult to reproduce, but some individuals, such as the Beastie Boys, have managed to transcend ridicularity into a state of total awesomeness.

So, in conclusion, it seems that the true road is THROUGH, to embrace one's ridicularity, to be oneself. Perhaps, this way, an individual can overcome ridiculousness and embrace teh awesome.

Blackout Crew vs the Wu Tang Clan : Battle of the Century

2009-03-12T08:17:00.000-07:00

VERSUS

Contributions to music

Blackout Crew

From out of nowhere, the Crew have inspired the North of England. Althought still teetering on the cusp of greatness, they have youth on their side, but it remains to be seen whether each member possess a unique, distinctive talent?

Score for this round: 6

Wu Tang Clan

The Clan changed hip hop for ever. No mistaking. Enter the Wu Tang is possibly the illest ish ever, to this day. Breakout stars Method Man (Tical), ODB (Brooklyn Zoo) and the GZA (Liquid Swords) have proved that the Wu Tang Clan has strength in depth.

Score for this round: 10

Hardness

Blackout Crew

They're tough talking chaps from the North of England, probably capable of punching out the average man quite easily with a fistful of sovs. Left, right, left, goodnight!

Score for this round: 7

Wu Tang Clan

The Clan are exceptionally tough. Their kung fu skills are feared throughout hip hop. The Crew may be tough, but they can't hope to fathom the Mystery of Chessboxing. Round to the Clan.

Score for this round: 9

Bangin' donks

Blackout Crew

The Crew always come with a bangin' donk. All their tunes are pre-donked, meaning all you have to do is sit back and listen - no hassle!

Score for this round: 10

Wu Tang Clan

No Wu-Tang joint comes pre-donked, forcing you to supply your own, to literally put a donk on their music. This is not acceptable; salt-n-shake crisps went out in the 80's. A disappointing round for the 'Clan.

Score for this round: 0

Results

FINAL SCORES
Wu Tang Clan: 19
Blackout Crew: 23

From this, we can see that the Blackout Crew is clearly better than the Wu Tang Clan. A strong start by the Wu Tang Clan, but things became bleak for the hip hop heroes when the Blackout Crew harnessed the power of the donk to squeak out a victory! If only the Wu Tang Clan would embrace the donk, they could be truly immortal...

With apologies to Viz and the talented musicians mentioned!

Choose life

2009-03-08T14:54:00.000-07:00

is there any way to stop Blogger switching to preview when I hit CTRL+SHIFT? It's making me want to punch a goose

Pretty full-on day for me today! I got up at 8 (which is earlier than I rise for my job - flexitime has ruined me for the larks!), and headed to church, where I had committed to play bass for 3 services (and 2 attendant rehearals). A pretty tall order! I've also just been assigned a major project at work which I am frankly quite concerned about, and am looking to buy a house. I guess you could describe me as "tense".

The afternoon break saw my girlfriend reading to me from an Adrian Plass book, The Visit. We're only half way through but it reduced me to tears with its picture of a dynamic, colourful, vibrant, amazing, challenging, off-the-wall and caring Jesus visiting a stuffy narrator, whose rigid "churchianity" gradually gives way to a living, exciting faith. It moved me greatly, it was a wonderful picture of Jesus, and reminded me of how much I actually want to get to "know Jesus" in this way that people talk about; my faith has often been somewhat arms' length in nature, I've always been to afraid to really try to get close.

The thing is with Jesus, when you think you've got him completely figured out, you haven't - there are always surprises, always the unexpected...

The two morning services were OK, but the evening service was something amazing for me. For some reason, I felt that something unexpected would happen. It came up in the prayers before the service too, I felt it really strongly. The music felt good, but the visiting speaker's message really resonated with me. It brought to mind the famous speech from the start of the movie Trainspotting (which is great but the book is even better):

Choose Life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a f--king big television, choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players and electrical tin openers. Choose good health, low cholesterol, and dental insurance. Choose fixed interest mortage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your friends. Choose leisurewear and matching luggage. Choose a three-piece suite on hire purchase in a range of f--king fabrics. Choose DIY and wondering who the f--k you are on a Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing, spirit-crushing game shows, stuffing f--king junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pishing your last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, f--ked up brats you spawned to replace yourself.

Choose your future.

Choose life.

This "life" the Renton character is talking about is the conventional life as he sees it, in a fairly shallow and despairing light. Of course, it's only his perspective, and I can speak only for myself, but for me I innately desire more from life than the things we're perhaps expected to want.

There's another quote about choosing life from the book of Deuteronomy in the Bible, which is what the speaker tonight brought up. It also talks about choosing life:

15 See, I set before you today life and prosperity, death and destruction. 16 For I command you today to love the LORD your God, to walk in his ways, and to keep his commands, decrees and laws; then you will live and increase, and the LORD your God will bless you in the land you are entering to possess.

17 But if your heart turns away and you are not obedient, and if you are drawn away to bow down to other gods and worship them, 18 I declare to you this day that you will certainly be destroyed.

It was this that really hit home. If you've read this blog before, you may be aware of some of my fears about the future and salvation, and I felt like I had to choose life. I worried, as usual, that it was too late for me with God, that I'd had enough second chances. There was an offer of prayer, during which the band came back on, myself included. I couldn't shake the feeling, however, that I should go to the speaker. I watched as people came up for prayer to the ministry team, and nobody approached this man. On the verge of putting down my bass, I decided "if he's still alone at the end of the song, I'll go over".

The song ended, down went the bass, and I sprang off the stage, accosted the fellow and asked if he'd pray with me. I outlined for him my basic situation, and he agreed to pray with me. I don't let just anybody do this, but this guy seemed a calm, considerate, thoughtful, peaceful and wise type. He touched my shoulder, and I felt God's presence immediately and powerfully.

I'm the biggest cynic going. I am not a credulous type, not easily carried away in hype. There is always a part of me on the inside looking out, observing, analysing. Nevertheless, I cannot dispute that this was God. As the messenger prayed for me, he touched on areas that I hadn't even mentioned I struggled in - the fear that I may have been cut off - and spoke such perfect words of reassurance that for the second time that day I cried, this time with relief and love. When the prayer came to an end, I took a little time outside, then bounded back to the stage and played, probably quite poorly, but with renewed passion and vigor. I felt that I could have played all night.

I'm writing this partly as a diary so when hard times come I can look back on it, but also to perhaps encourage those in a similar situation of doubt or fear to be brave, come into the light. You have nothing to lose but your sorrow and burdens.

Things I'm currently advocating

2009-03-06T07:05:00.001-08:00

Donks

Putting a donk on things makes them sound bouncy and this is a nice thing. A bouncy little world in my head, thoughts squidging around like smiley, supercharged bubbles...

This week the power went out at the office, so the only tools we had were the new MacBooks, which comes equipped with a little package called GarageBand. It was probably the greatest morale boosting half hour of my working life as we made ridiculous music and filmed a short "donkumentary" about the making of. Team building exercises? Therapists? Weeks away? Stand up meetings? Bah to the lot of 'em. What you wanna do with it, right, is put a bangin' donk on it!

Software that doesn't require an install

I ran my last PC into the ground with the amount of software I had installed. I need more equipment than Batman for my day to day job - Visual Studio, Komodo, Cygwin, IIS, PHP, NetBeans, KDiff, Skype, Office, Word, Firefox, IE, Opera, the list goes on and on... I've taken to using apps that just run as exes with their config in a simple .ini file. I'm currently rolling with mRemote, winscp and FoxitReader, and all three work perfectly with no installation necessary - no registry clutter!

Samba Lucas

Man was amazing last night. Giants walk amongst us, people. Backed with an awesome band, Samba's louche charisma is finally starting to get the exposure it deserves.

Swing swords, cut clowns

2009-03-05T11:24:00.000-08:00

Shaolin Sword

"I'll have it raining ice drops the size of automobiles,
Kill all the government microchips in my body" - Ol' Dirty Bastard

I recently got this from the no2Id mailing list:

+ STOP CLAUSE 152 +

Clause 152 of the Coroners and Justice Bill [1] - currently being
debated by Parliament - would allow any Minister by order to take any
information gathered for one purpose from anywhere, and use it for any
other purpose.

An 'Information Sharing Order', as defined in Clause 152, would permit
your information to be trafficked and abused, not only all across
government and the public sector - it would also reach into the private
sector. And it would even allow transfer of information across
international borders.

Your information, your family's information, arbitrarily used without
your consent or even knowledge. The very reverse of 'Data Protection'.

If you care about fundamental rights and freedoms, privacy and
confidentiality, the time to act is NOW.

Please write to your MP - you can do this at http://www.WriteToThem.com
- and tell him or her that you REFUSE CONSENT to having your information
shared under any 'Information Sharing Order', and ask him or her to vote
to have Clause 152 removed entirely from the Coroners and Justice Bill.

(Refusing your consent is the absolutely critical bit - we know that
some MPs have already had over 100 constituents telling them this, which
is the way we can all apply pressure.)

Please write to your MP now - AND TELL OTHERS. Friends, family,
colleagues, workmates. Spread the word. A 'Stop Clause 152!' facebook
group has also been set up to help publicise the issue:

http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=54487688497

If you have already written to your MP (thank you!) then why not write a
letter to your local paper, alerting readers to the powers in Clause 152
and how privacy will be abolished if it becomes law. All it takes is 10
minutes and a stamp.

If we act now, we can stop this. If we don't, another fundamental
building block of privacy and trust will be lost.

It's up to us.

We're mad fortunate over here that we have things like WriteToThem - what a fantastic service for contacting your MPs in a no hassle scenario! Many peoples got no voice, so I'ma yell up, ya hear?

Wu-Tang Sword

Going to see the incredible Samba Lucas tonight, can't wait! One of the main artists to get excited about right now, maybe second to only to L'il Wayne.

Terror Crew

2009-03-02T08:43:00.000-08:00

I think I've mentioned before, if you're not signed up to Avaaz, then you need that in your life, like a lawman needs a stern expression and a fine hat:

http://www.avaaz.org/en/end_the_war_on_terror/

This week the US government is debating whether to set up a Commission of Inquiry to look into Bush's 'War on Terror' tactics. This could have major ramifications all the way up the chain of command.

Key US Senators, leading this call for justice, need a massive global endorsement to ensure that the Commission is set up and has real teeth. But there are powerful interests that want to cover up the truth about torture, secret detention and other unlawful abuse.

Down From the Mountains

2009-02-24T06:42:00.000-08:00

Stag parties are not really my thing. I don't really like going out to pubs and clubs - the music's generally of the fingernails on blackboard variety and I find the lack of places to escape to really confining. That said, a week's winter mountaineering was on the cards for Ben's, so up to Scotland we went. Cardiff to Torridon took somewhere like half of forever, but we truly were in the highlands, much more remote than Fort William, some 5 hours north of Glasgow.

Winter mountaineering? The weather had other ideas. The first day saw us essentially cloudwalking as the rains and winds pulverised us. It started off well until we made the ridge and the exposure became a problem. I'd stupidly packed my balaclava at the bottom of my bag and it seemed like a mammoth task to retrieve it. I was pretty exhausted by the time we hit the first summit, and got more so as the day wore on. It became a bruising exercise in endurance as I slithered around in the slushy, grey conditions.

The descent was worse still, as with cold, wet feet we descended. Bashing myself on rocks, I was getting ever more uneasy. Hungry, cold, battered and wet, all I could think of was getting home to my lady, with the dreadful knowledge that there were up to three more days of this. I fell further behind the other guys as my increasing skittish footing diminished in confidence.

Back in the car afterwards, I was drained physically, choking back tears of exhaustion, having been basically miserable for half of the day. Nevertheless, I felt incredibly happy to be alive, very fortunate for all the blessings I have in life. The old cliches proved true - music sounded more real and food tasted better.

Following a much needed rest and drying out day, we headed for the Cairngorms. The weather here was clear and sunny, the snow still crisp, and we had the greatest day I've ever had on the mountains - scrambling, kicking in steps, rope work and a painless descent. I remembered why I had wanted to come. Again, I got pretty emotional, glad to be out and enjoying what the world has to offer in all its dangerous beauty.

The final day saw three of us head off for some rock climbing in a nearby crag, which was great fun, very rewarding, and saw me complete my first VDiff route.

It will take a while to recover, particularly from the loooong journey home, but it was a great experience, a very different kind of endurance test to the stereotypical stag do. I mean, damn, we even saw real stags and everything!

The most diddums event of all time

2009-02-03T07:29:00.000-08:00

Over here in the UK, we're having some snow. First time in a very long time for most places!

I walked home last night, my significant other gleefully scampering like a small but excitable bear exhorting me to "look at the snow, Gavins! the snow!", past groups of people in the street playing together. Throwing snowballs, building snowmen, laughing, opening windows to heave speakers out to play music to accompany the merriment - it was almost magical. I felt like I was in an old-time concept known as a "community", where people don't live in the relative isolation of what is awkwardly designated the "noughties".

After I left my lady outside her home giggling and apparently trying to photograph individual snowflakes, I called my parents. It was 10pm, they'd just come back from their church homegroup, and Dad had said to Mum; "let's get the sledge out".

I'd love to have seen them gliding down the slopes near my family home! How very sweet! I found it incredibly encouraging that as my parents near their 60s, they are more liberated, comfortable with themselves, happy and together than they have ever been.

Then, that night I had terrible The Shining related nightmares. Ah well!

Fast for Zimbabwe

2009-01-30T08:50:00.000-08:00

This sunday is a worldwide hunger strike in support of Zimbabwe. If you're down with this, have a look at this:

"The world's support is needed now. Kumi Naidoo, a South African activist in his eighth day of a 21-day hunger strike, has recorded a video appeal for Avaaz members worldwide to join the protest by pledging to fast this Sunday, when he will speak to the African Union summit about Zimbabwe's crisis. If thousands of us fast, our actions will give power to his words. Click here to see the video and join the fast:"

I know it's not "scriptural" to tell people if you're fasting, but this is a solidarity thing. People are going hungry in Zimbabwe every day. I believe our prayers are heard, and that personal sacrifice is a good way to put our minds right on the importance of these issues.

Avaaz is a great site that gets involved with major political issues. It's a way to have a voice. They organise petitions etc.

GSP/B.J. Penn

2009-01-29T02:58:00.000-08:00

MMA may be the oldest sport in the world (it's pretty much Greek pancration), but it remains exciting, dramatic, and highly technical. MMA has shattered the cultish mystique of the traditional martial arts, exposed ineffective schools and systems, and helped many people such as myself find a sport that they can participate in.

This saturday it's the battle of the initials! Canadian Georges St Pierre is poised to take on The Prodigy BJ Penn at UFC ninetysummat on Saturday. I can't wait to see this bout - both guys are phenomenal...

On one side you have perhaps the greatest athlete in MMA, GSP. On the other, the preternaturally talented grappler BJ Penn. GSP is the bigger man, the better wrestler, but BJ is amazing off his back. He doesn't need much to get a submission on, and that's the mark of a truly great BJJ player - that he can get the sub against a sweaty, slippery guy who is striking with vicious intent. I'd give BJ the edge on the feet too - his boxing is sharp, precise and explosive, but you can't count out GSP's karate/kickboxing striking.

I'm gonna go with BJ on this one, but I hope GSP wins, simply because he's a class act, and a dedicated athlete. Call me prissy, but BJ Penn's licking of Sean Sherk's blood made me sick, that was a revolting thing to do!

In the words of Big John McCarthy, "let's get it on"!

Small acts of kindness

2009-01-09T06:21:00.000-08:00

Small acts of kindness are incredible. It's amazing when something can completely turn around your attitudes and feelings. When somebody does something for you that restores your faith in humanity, that floods a dark room with light.

Generally, these things work best when someone is loving you in the way that you respond to best.

I got home last night, exhausted from a long day's work and a 90 minute MMA session, with only cooking, cleaning and learning songs for a gig I have next weekend to look forward to, and my lady had come round my flat whilst I was out and vacuumed it. She ran me a bath, got me a drink and generally bustled around taking care of me. I don't think I've ever been quite so touched by a simple act of generous spirit.

Makes me think; like the Bible says, we should "never tire of doing good", 'cos next time we do, it could affect someone like it affected me last night.

anonymous/scientology

2009-01-09T06:15:00.000-08:00

I happened across a video today of an ex-scientologist talking about Anonymous and Scientology.

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=MVAcF5p1Euo&NR=1

Well worth a watch.

How I learned to stop grizzling and love the N95

2008-12-18T07:45:00.000-08:00

I got an N95 about a year ago. My first impression was that it was a sloppy fistful of suck swinging towards my exposed, leering cranium. I used it for a while, it broke, and I forgot about it, returning to my trusty "E61", which is like a phone only larger - it provides adequate protection in the event of a nuclear blast to protect at least one medium sized archaeology professor.

The e61 - kinda monolish*

The N95 has abysmal battery life (2 days MAX! Seriously!), and a crummy interface, and is one of those fragile slidy units that you feel would disintegrate under the force of a "parp" of a nearby clownhorn. As I didn't have "data minutes" or whatever the heck that is, its internet features and GPS (which, let's be honest, are its main selling points) were of no use for me as they would cost me more than a puddle of vintage princeblood to use.

Eventually, the trusty E61 began to crap out, randomly calling my girlfriend in the middle of the night and breathing husky at her. I berated it, but its steadfast grimace let me know it had crossed over to being a Bad Piece Of Consumer Electronics.

So, a phone call to 3 customer services, where a nice Indian gentleman informed me that I could take my phone to Dumbells Road, which for a cyclist like myself is a pretty serious journey and not one I fancy undertaking in icy winter roads with the dazzling death seals braying their iron honks as they drive at breakneck speed towards my environmentally sound but fragile conveyance, swerving and presumably barking in their fat gleeful joy.

So, I left it.

Increasingly, the E61 began to crumble. One People's Elbow later, it was toast, and I reluctantly came to realise that I needed my '95 back on the road. I'd sworn I'd never go back to it, that I was out, but like Carlito, I got pulled back in. Having invested in a £5-a-month all-you-can-Internet contract extension, I figured I could give it a second go.

The nice people at the 3 store got it sent off and replaced within 2 days. This is exceptional customer service, far better than getting fobbed off by an Indian call center!

And now? Now I love it. It gives me Google Mail, Google Maps, web browsing and the like. The interface is still hecks of crappy - it's fiddly and gives me thumbache that has rendered it impossible for me to ever hitchhike again. After using an iphone, it's like trying to refine oil with your teeth. I think the days of numeric keys + joypad + a couple of special keys may be numbered - more flexible interface mechanics are available now.

I still think the fact that the camera takes up to 7 or 8 seconds to warm up and take a picture is hella lax, and the battery life blows, but hey, it's going to get me to my mate's house tonight thanks to the wonderful Google maps app so I'm happy :)

* I just invented the world "monolish". It means kind of like a monolith. Anna will squeal when she hears that one!

World coming down...

2008-11-18T09:11:00.000-08:00

I recently won a charity raffle at work and got to choose the charity the money went to. I opted for no2id, which prompted discussion in the office.

I am dead against Id cards, I feel that they're related to the "number of the beast" spoken about in the Bible. Id cards in themselves are not that bad, it's the RFID technology that could follow that I worry about. This technology could be used for purchases in shops et cetera.

The Bible says anyone without this "mark" would not be able to buy and sell: "And he shall make all, both little and great, rich and poor, freemen and bondmen, to have a character in their right hand or on their foreheads: And that no man might buy or sell, but he that hath the character, or the name of the beast, or the number of his name." (Revalation Chapter 13: 16-17)

This makes me think of an economy in which people trade using RFID or similar implants accessing their credit card information. As a Christian, I would never be able to take this chip. My theology here is sketchy, but seem to remember that accepting this mark would be a very bad thing to do in eternal terms ('once the sequence of “end of the world” events starts, they continue, a person who follows the Beast, participates in the payment system, and receives the Mark, will risk eternal judgment by God' - source).

This situation, and my resulting fear of the future, really affects me day to day. I worry myself sick about it, and I don't really know what I should do. I wish that I wasn't living in these times; because of what I suspect about the near future, I don't know if I can have children - I don't know if it's fair for them to live through these times. I don't know whether Jesus will come back before the times of trial, and to be honest, I'm not even sure if I'm "ready" for Him to take me when He comes. Much of the time, I doubt my "salvation" - it is very hard for me to accept and many verses in the Bible niggle at me. I do know one thing though - He saved my life and I won't give up on Him.

Probably this sounds stupid to a lot of people, I can understand that.

I feel that there are very hard times ahead, so it is more important than ever to do what good we can, whilst we can.

When you've been there before

2008-10-28T13:42:00.000-07:00

THUMP!!

He took you down like you were nothing!

It's OK, I can fight out of this

He's stronger than you are, and a better wrestler

That's OK, if I lose I lose, but I'm not going to panic

He's got a guillotine choke! He's going to snap your neck

No he isn't, I'm fine, I've been here before. I can spin out of this

He's so fast! He's got your back! It's over, just tap

No, actually, I'm OK. If I just slide my foot in here and lift here, then...

... maybe

HEY PRESTO I'm on top and working for an arm bar!

*ding ding* end of round

So that's how one sparring grapple went for me this evening. Starting from standing with a larger, stronger, more experienced opponent. I didn't really have much chance of getting the sub, but that doesn't matter. Jigaro Kano said "it's not important to be better than others, only to be better than yesterday" and I was. I didn't panic, didn't give up unnecessarily, knew what my safe limits were. Axl Rose put it "experience makes you wise", although maybe he got that from somewhere else.

It got me on to thinking about what the Bible says. It says "all things work together for the good of those who love the Lord*", which I guess partly means that things happen to you for a reason. The Bible also talks about a refining fire in a crucible of life, and I think Isiah even puts it something like "they will walk through fire and not be consumed".

The trials we go through, they are not wasted. The pains we suffer, we grow from them, so long as we cling tight to what we know in our secret hearts, stripped of all pride and bluster, to be true.

* I really want to love Jesus. In my better moments, I feel the feelings, but more crucially, love is a verb. How does He want to be loved? By how we treat others - "as you do for the least of my brothers, you do for me". That's both inspirational and terrifying to live up to!

No justice?

2008-10-26T15:02:00.000-07:00

This morning in church was harvest festival and instead of having some fossilised bread and a soup tin mountain the pastor brought us some alarming statistics. Apparently, the money Europe spends on cosmetics in a year could supply clean water and sanitation for nearly all those who need it. (I'm not quite sure how they work that out but it sounds plausible). I checked his sources, seems to be legit.

I've touched upon issues of poverty before, but this did re-awaken me to the scale of the problem. Crucially, the pastor didn't just appeal for money, but addressed the far more important issue - what are the attitudes and systems that lead to this situation?

Ultimately, it is selfishness that has led to many of these problems. Our greed. Our expensive clothes, food and holidays that we don't truly need. We in the developed world consume far more than our fair share of resources. Therefore, I want to increasingly do all I can to minimise the harm I do to this world and help others where I can.

I often feel bad about pushing my beliefs on people, like I did in the past. These days, I feel that the best preaching of the gospel is through lifestyle and example. Unfortunately, I just don't measure up. Despite how broken my heart feels about these issues, it is vital that I actually act. Feeling powerless is no excuse whatsoever. We have a government who represents us and we speak through them by voting, writing to our MPs, protesting and writing to newspapers etc. I don't want to be part of the silent majority, although the thought of speaking up is scary.

(kudos to the UK for actually following up on some aspects of Gleneagles 2005)

Sometimes I complain that I'm broke. OK so my flat's a bit scummy in places and I'm scared of my landlady, but really, I'm so fortunate in comparison to these people. I don't owe any money, whereas many are born into debt, as this slightly dated but still relevant article on Mozambique describes.

We should love our neighbor as ourselves. Sometimes I don't treat myself all that well, so what does that say about my treatment of my neighbor? I'm not even particularly informed, I'm just trying to get a handle on what's going on.

God left this world in humanity's hands. It must be something like lending your favourite CD to a mate and then finding him underpant-clad, chopping up lines of cocaine on it and feeding them to an adorable puppy until its heart explodes, all whilst cackling gleefully.

What can be done? Here are a couple of ideas:

1. Write to our MPs http://www.theyworkforyou.com/ - this site makes it very easy
2. Live a caring lifestyle - perhaps true change can only be affected through people's hearts
3. Praying for our leaders. The Bible says this is something we must do. God knows they need all the help they can get.
4. OK sometimes people have to drive, but there are often alternatives for city dwellers - bikes are particularly good fun, and many of us can walk to work... "The risk of cancer from breathing diesel exhaust is about ten times more than ingesting all other toxic air pollutants combined, with diesel emissions contributing to over 70% of the cancer risk from air pollution in the USA." – reported by Environmental Defense
5. Fair trade produce. It's a better deal for the producers. "When a coffee shop charges ten pence extra for a Fair Trade cappuccino, the grower gets his due, but most of the mark-up is profit for the shop" says Tim Harford, who goes on to say that "Economists started to point out what was happening, customers got cross, and the big chains now tend to offer fair-trade coffee without any mark-up."
6. Like Ghandi said, "you must be the change you want to see in the world."

The only person this post is intended to be preachy at is me...

No Fly Zone / Randy vs Brock

2008-09-15T12:47:00.000-07:00

I just pledged not to fly for 12 months on lowflyzone.org. Aviation for holidays etc on low budget airlines is causing increasing amounts of pollution and draining natural resources. It's always worth considering - "do I need to take this flight?". this guy writes about some of the social implications of not flying.

With the Channel Tunnel, those of us in the UK are well served for European rail links. It's more expensive in some cases, yes, but it may prove more environmentally/resource stable.

In other news, Randy Couture is to fight Brock Lesnar for the UFC heavyweight championship! I don't know who to root for to be honest. I really like Lesnar, I like his explosive style and I think he was mature against Heath Herring. People have been saying he should have finished the fight but to be honest Herring didn't give him much of an opportunity. Brock maintained position and picked his shots and looked comfortable throughout. On the other hand, you can never, ever count Captain America out. Randy will come in prepared, and the wily 45-year-old veteran will have a strategy against the larger, faster powerhouse who is 14 years his junior. I like both fighters, I'll just enjoy it whoever wins!

Ethical Shopping

2008-09-09T12:16:00.000-07:00

I've started looking into ethical shopping. How can I best use the resources that I have to make the world a better place, or at least to minimise my negative impact?

My current thinking comes under several headings. I don't know much about any of this yet, but I'm going to feel my way:

1. Good treatment of workers - do the companies pay well? Are the conditions safe? What are the impacts on the community?

2. Minimal ecological impact -is the product or service safe? Renewable? Clean?

3. Packaging - can it be recycled? Is it excess packaging?

Sometimes there is a trade-off - for example, biofuels have low ecological impact but high impact upon communities, as they come to replace food crops.

As a starting point, I'm approaching it like this:

1. Do I really need it?

2. I should buy quality items that last rather than disposable items

3. Buying clothes? Charity shops FTW

Apparently, guides to ethical shopping are available in book form - perhaps I can pick one up from Oxfam?

Time to drag my head out of the sand...

You are what you eat...

2008-08-28T14:27:00.000-07:00

No update-me-do for a while, I've been busy working, doing geek things, and my lady has just relocated to my 'hood so I'm a busy boymonkey! I've begun working on the research I promised on ethical shopping, which will be forthcoming!

Nutrition. A fancy-dan word for what you put in your cakehole. I've been thinking about it a lot - I've noticed a very strong correlation between eating well and performing well, both athletically and in my job as a software developer.

Several years ago, I famously once "lived on a jar of mini eggs for a week", having been given a sweet shop sized jar and being short on both pennies and mental faculty. This is not strictly true (I believe I also ate pasta and sandwiches) but a large part of my diet was indeed the chocolately "goodness", sacharrinely enshelled. These days, I retain my sweet tooth, but I do tend to eat plenty of fruit and vegetables and favour lean meats. I feel healthier, I'm fitter, and more alert when I take care of myself rather than going on sugar benders and waking up in the seal enclosure at Bristol Zoo looking for Lion bars...

Jesus said words to the effect of "it's not what we put into the body that makes it unclean ... but what comes out of the mouth". It's therefore what comes out of my mouth that's concerning me at the moment. I have an edgy, black sense of humour, I'm sad to say that sick jokes really make me chuckle. I don't know why this is. I do also laugh at things that are basic, such as a cat sitting down like a person, or a clown slipping on some bullrushes, but a lot of badnesses spill from my mouth.

I guess this could be partly down to what I put into myself, some of the websites/forums I browse etc. Largely, though, the problem lies with me, my desire to make others laugh and thereby win their approval. What a goon!

So I'm gonna make some kind of "swearbox" app, that covers words from "brownston" to "***********", and possibly the word which so offended Douglas Adams: Belgium. A bit of Ajax, some chunky monkey buttons and a tiny backend database - be a good chance to try out SQLLite - and keep tabs on my rudosities. Let's see if I can move from a verbal Foul Ole Ron to Captain Carrot!

God is kind

2008-08-04T14:18:00.000-07:00

God is kind

Three words, so simple, yet seldom have I known it like I do right now.

A little background - all my life I've been plagued by what I guess I'd term "salvation anxiety". The Bible verses that stick out to me are the ones that seem condemning, the ones that make me feel unworthy. I don't know why I'm this way, but I know that I'm not the only one who feels like this from time to time.

Because, in part, of the fear, I've been "shackled" most of my life. I have not been even close to the person I should be. Things play on my mind, I think and think, and at time I been gotten so terrified I can't eat or sleep.

God, though, is wonderful and beautiful. Like St Paul says, we see this world in a distorted way, we have glimpses of the truth, we have signs but we don't really know it all. I guess this should keep us humble.

Recently, I've been going back to church after several wilderness years. I felt too afraid to go for a long time; I felt I could just about cope with life and kept God at kind of arms length for a while. A couple of years ago, I returned to the church where a lot of my problems began, and a miracle happened. I don't use that term lightly at all. As I felt at my lowest, someone stood up and said "there's somebody here who has been just robbed blind of their peace". The preacher called us to stand if we felt it applied to us, then suddenly he pointed at me, and told me stuff he couldn't have known. This was no cold reading - I'm the biggest cynic out there, believe me! - this hit right to the core of who I was. He told me how I've felt lost, alone and afraid, but that God would lead me on. I cried and cried; my Father still loved me, was still looking out for me! How incredible this was! After all I've done!

Well, after that, I was never so afraid again, although there have been bad patches. I wandered again (I seem to be prone to that) and "backslid" once more. I began to feel afraid again, but then went back to church and a similar thing happened.

I attend church when I'm feeling strong enough, usually with my girlfriend, who is a great support to me and holds my hand when I get afraid in the service. Tonight, though, I got thinking and suddenly became really really scared, that heart-stopping terror feeling. Just as I felt that, my mother called me, saying "I just suddenly felt anxious about you", and she reminded me that God loves me. She sent me the following verses:

Isaiah 43:1-7 (New International Version)
New International Version (NIV)

Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society

Isaiah 43
Israel's Only Savior
1 But now, this is what the LORD says—
he who created you, O Jacob,
he who formed you, O Israel:
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.

2 When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.

3 For I am the LORD, your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
I give Egypt for your ransom,
Cush [a] and Seba in your stead.

4 Since you are precious and honored in my sight,
and because I love you,
I will give men in exchange for you,
and people in exchange for your life.

5 Do not be afraid, for I am with you;
I will bring your children from the east
and gather you from the west.

6 I will say to the north, 'Give them up!'
and to the south, 'Do not hold them back.'
Bring my sons from afar
and my daughters from the ends of the earth-

7 everyone who is called by my name,
whom I created for my glory,
whom I formed and made."

I'd say that was God tipping mum off that I was scared, sad and lonely. I'd say that was His way of reminding me that He won't let me be plucked from His hand. More than ever, I want to help this world, to make it a better place, to be loving.

I hope that this post can maybe bring somebody some hope! Perhaps it can. Perhaps my story is something that somebody else can draw encouragement from. If it is, then truly, all I've ever been through is worthwhile. If St Paul said he was the worst of sinners 2,000 odd years ago, then I guess I'm at least as bad now. Love casts out fear. Whenever God shows me He loves me and I notice it, I feel love for Him. Love has to work two ways. A vicar friend of mine says that the trinity of God is three in one and ever in community, sharing love amongst the Godhead. I think that's beautiful. To love someone, you love them with your will and your heart and your actions.

God is kind. Isn't is silly that this realisation should come almost as a surprise to me? He is though. God is kind.

It's long past time for me to start making my actions match my beliefs.

Where are my eyes?

2008-07-13T06:33:00.000-07:00

I don't mean literally, obviously, I mean figuratively. I mean, if my eyes weren't in my head, then bees could get in, and that really would be terrifying. Bzz.

I mean what am I focusing on. The 3 challenges I made to myself last week are things I'm gradually looking into and will post about in future, but today (for I think I'll probably update this thing on Sunday afternoons) I've been thinking more about my faith. I'm a Christian, and I always feel I should add a caveat at this point. Some of my favourites are:
* But I'm not very good at it
* But I'm not one of the scary ones
* But I'm kind of struggling at the moment
* But don't judge other Christians by my erratically terrible conduct
... and so on and so forth. Nevertheless, there is, in the very core of me, something that is very real to me, something that has impacted my life more than anything - the story, message and person of Jesus.

I have found faith very hard. I struggle to reconcile the Bible, which as I read it resonates with truth, with my day to day life, which is largely an attempt to get through each day in a harsh world. Many things in the Bible have troubled me so greatly that I've almost lost hope entirely; certain scriptures have weighed so heavily upon me that I've felt that I was a hopeless case. The more I've looked inward, the more I've felt like this.

Conversely, the best times, the times I've been on a high, have been when I've managed to take my eyes off myself, in all my neuroses, and actually look at the subject of my faith. My knowledge of my own wretchedness renders my gaze a timid, skittering thing, like a small bird with its fragile heart racing afraid to alight on a sturdy bough, but every now and then I catch a glimpse at somebody whose love truly transcends time and space. That God could love me is pretty much the most basic tenet of the Christian faith, and surely the most beautiful, but I find it much easier to see Him as not only my judge, but somebody gleefully watching for my mistakes. His true character, however, is Good in it's purest sense, and those times when I've really encountered his direct intervention in my life have been solid rocks for my feet to clamber upon. When I felt like I was drowning in fear, God reached out to me through a prophet's words in a church service.

And so, I wrestle with the things about my faith that trouble me. I constantly re-examine what it is I believe. Things get shaken and some things fall away, yet some holds true and firm. There are many voices, many doctrines, many interpretations, but one thing has held firmer than any other for me; that Jesus is God's son, and He's alive. I call Him "Lord", and I really wish I truly lived out what that meant.

A bout of wrestling often takes a long time to resolve. There are phases, setups, transitions. There are takedowns, underhooks, controls, jockeying for position, pins, submissions. I will wrestle my whole life with my faith, may I never be so arrogant as to assume I have its every facet pinned down.

Hello World

2008-07-06T06:41:00.001-07:00

Where to start?

I guess I'll start it in the way I should have started everything I've done in life, but seldom have; with a prayer. "Please God, may this be A Good Thing".

I've been considering starting a blog for a number of years, but never did it. I figured perhaps it was a bit self-indulgent, maybe vain, to do so; and perhaps it is. Nevertheless, I've felt increasingly the need to speak out on certain issues, to have a platform of some description, somewhere to keep it in one place. I trust that nobody is interested in what I had for dinner on Tuesday (pork stir fry) or the current status of my hair (a wild, Einsteinian freeform jumble sale of roaming, wayward threads all surging away from my cranium), but maybe I have something to say that will resonate with somebody somewhere.

I'm just some guy, perhaps you know me, perhaps you've stumbled across this blog whilst capering across this Internet. I'm a guy who wrestles, both literally and figuratively. I wrestle for sport, but most of the wrestling I do is of the the cerebral and emotional variety as I struggle with my faith, views on politics and world issues, and just the generally overwhelming nature of life on Planet Earth. I don't want my life to be a blinkered blunder, clumsily rampaging head-down from day to day without any thought of wider issues or the needs of others.

So, here are some issues that are vital to me. These are things I particularly care about. They all scare me (sometimes this world makes me want to hide under the bed with my eyes shut tight picturing baskets of kitties and singing nursery rhymes). I plan to talk in more detail about them in the future. I write this list to challenge myself, to remember that I need to act wherever I can to help this world.

http://no2id.net/ - I'm vehemently against ID schemes, because I fear what they can become (for example, the possibility of RFID tagging human beings is utterly chilling to me)

http://www.amnesty.org/ - human rights. I've recently woken up to the scale of the horrors in the world and am particularly moved by people imprisoned and persecuted for their beliefs. I want to help. First they came...

Consumer ethics. I haven't found a good site on this yet, and I really want to discover what products are the best to buy. I do not want to bring people suffering by my purchases, but increasingly I'm becoming aware that I do, and I need to address that.

Perhaps this post has made me sound like a po-faced know-it-all, perhaps with a greasy ponytail, trust fund, braying voice and manner of casual condescension, but I'd like to make it clear that I'm fully aware that I'm very ignorant. I suppose the purpose of this blog is to challenge myself to develop, to learn, to grow and above all to help.

So now all I have to do is hit "Publish Post", and that's it, I'm a blogger... Here we go...